The Grace of Forgiveness
With Steps to Begin the Journey to Truly Forgive
One of the greatest illusions, or misconceptions, around forgiveness is this:
I am justified in holding onto my pain, my blame, and my anger, for it is a form of punishment to those that hurt me.
If I forgive someone I am letting go of this punishment and releasing them from wrongdoing.
For in reality, when you hold onto your pain and your anger towards someone who hurt you, you are punishing yourself more than anyone else. You are storing negative emotions in your body, your mind, and your heart. These negative emotions have a harmful impact on your being. By holding onto these negative emotions, you’re holding onto the very pain the person inflicted upon you, yet, in most cases, they are no longer inflicting it upon you, you are.
This can be a difficult truth to swallow, for it is easier to point the finger outside of yourself. It is easier to hold onto the pain and say your problems are because of what others did to you. It is easier to push the pain down, to avoid it, repress it, reject it, than it is to allow it in, to embrace it and feel it.
While I write these words, I also fully acknowledge another truth:
Forgiving is not easy. Forgiving takes great courage. Forgiving is something we must learn, or rather, remember, how to do.
In today’s world, we’ve not been taught how to work with our emotions. In school, we’re taught to memorize, to analyze, to rationalize. We’re not taught to feel. We’re not taught to listen to our inner voice, the whispers of our heart. We’re not taught to seek the grace and the lessons in the pain and suffering we experience here.
So, we must make a choice. We must choose to remember how to feel. We must choose to remember how to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice, and when you make that choice, on the other side there will be grace. For in forgiving someone else, you are choosing to be loving towards yourself. In forgiving someone else, you are choosing healing, you are choosing to be free.
Let me tell you a story about forgiveness
There was a boy named Alex. He was a gregarious one, filled with curiosity and light. He had a big heart and gave his love freely. In the summers, he went to an all-boys camp for a month. At this camp, there was a counselor who worked at the camp and was the head of one of the “bunks.” This counselor was loved by campers and counselors alike, like Alex, he was a gregarious one. This counselor was named Craig.
When Craig gave Alex his attention and his love, it made Alex feel special. It made him feel seen. Alex was seeking love and acceptance from a male figure, perhaps to fill a void he’d felt from not always feeling that acceptance from his Father. In a way, Alex opened his Heart to this man that he’d only done so for his own family. So, as time passed, Craig began to feel like family, like a big brother or an Uncle to him.
Eventually, Craig got to know Alex’s parents, and was welcomed into their family home as a guest. Craig used his charisma and charm to gain enough trust to stay at the house. One night, very late into the night, Craig entered the bedroom of Alex. He used the trust he’d built to take advantage of this young boy, only 12 years old, and sexually molested him. Alex was confused: he loved this person and feared losing him, but at the same time, what was happening did not feel right. He did not want it to continue, but he did not know how to voice this.
Alex did not remember everything that happened, or how many times it occurred, but the memory of the experience was burned into him. Thankfully, one morning Alex’s Father sensed something was wrong and asked Craig to leave. Alex never saw him again. Even though his parents asked if anything happened, Alex couldn’t find the words to share. He said nothing happened and the topic was swept under the rug, not to be discussed again.
A story trapped inside eats you alive
After 15 years, at the age of 27, Alex could no longer hold this story, this pain, inside of him. He first shared it with a woman he loved, who he felt safe with. Years later, he finally was ready to share it with his Family. First, his Mother, and eventually his father, brother, and other family and friends.
This process of sharing the truth, of letting it out of the cage it had been held within him for so long, was the first step in the process of forgiveness. For before letting it out, it festered within. Whenever the thought of this trauma came up, it would be pushed down. The internal story went something like this: “This does not impact me. This does not need to be thought about or felt, just let it go.”
Yet, deep down, Alex knew it did. For years, Alex had trouble sleeping at night. He could not sleep with someone else in the room. Even with a woman he loved and felt very safe with was a deep struggle at times. An unexpected sound at night would send his whole nervous system into high alert. Alex could no longer hide from the truth of this pain, and he had to let people into his heart to help him carry the load. This was a slow process, one that unfolded step by step. The sharing itself was a lightening of the load, but more work needed to be done. Alex found a spiritual coach, and when he shared his story with this person, it was the first time he felt truly seen and heard in the pain. On another occasion, he shared the story with a dear friend and a healer, and this person helped him realize the process of forgiveness takes time, and it’s a sacred process you do for yourself, not for the other person.
Opening the doors of the heart
As you may know, this young boy, Alex, was me. I was sexually abused when I was 12 years old. On at least 2 occasions, perhaps more. While I have shared this story with friends, new and old, I have never shared it publicly. As you will see, doing so is part of my forgiveness process.
This experience has caused me great pain. It has greatly impacted my relationships, especially my intimate ones with women. It has made it hard for me to truly open my heart, to allow someone in, for a fear of being hurt like that again. It has, to this day, greatly impacted my sleep and my feelings of safety within my body and mind. It has impacted my relationships with men and the masculine, making it harder for me to trust certain men in my life.
At the same time, it has given me a sacred opportunity to develop deeper empathy, compassion and understanding for the human condition. It has brought me closer to myself, to my inner child, and the pain I have held. It has taught me to feel what I am feeling, to not run from my feelings, but to turn towards them. Through the grace of teachers and time, I have realized that this person who hurt me, was likely carrying a great pain within, and was acting out from this pain. Perhaps they too, were abused in their childhood and never knew how to deal with that pain.
It is important to note, that I also recognize this person caused great harm. They inflicted harm on an innocent child. This is not an acceptable way of dealing with pain. Their pain is not an “excuse” for these types of actions.
However, this is where the choice comes in. This is where you are called to find the courage, the vulnerability, the compassion that lives deep within your being. This is where you choose to forgive.
Making the choice to forgive
For me, this has not been a one-time choice that I have made. Rather, it is a choice I make again and again. It is a choice that I make for myself, for my own healing and transformation. It is a choice I make so that I may transform my pain into wisdom, into compassion, so that I may be more in service to my fellow humans.
I don’t make this choice alone. I make this choice with the courage of so many before me that have done so. I make this choice with the support of the forces of love and compassion. I make this choice with my future children in mind, so that I may heal that which is inside of me before I bring new life to this world.
Whenever there is pain, whenever someone has hurt you, it is a very real thing. It is like a living thing. So, we then have the choice to work with this living energy, or to fight it. My pain brought me closer to myself. My pain brought me closer to love. My pain taught me about grace.
My pain still lives within me, I can still feel it there, yet it doesn’t have such a great powerful force now. Now, I can hold it in a space of love. I can tell my inner boy that he is safe, that he is loved, and that he is worthy. I can find compassion in myself for this pain and the pain of others. This is Grace. This is Love. This is Forgiveness.
The steps to healing
As discussed above, this process of healing and forgiving isn’t an overnight one. It takes great devotion and great patience. It takes support from others. It takes time.
Here is a process you can walk yourself through, or have someone guide you through. It is best to do so with intention, and in a space you feel safe to express yourself as needed.
Disclaimer: It is also important to be aware of where you are at in your healing process. Sometimes we’re not yet ready to really go into the pain and still need to work on finding safe space within us. Listen to your inner voice and use this if it serves you.
The 1st step: Acknowledgement
We must first acknowledge our pain. We must get real with ourselves, and admit to what we’re feeling inside. Whether it be anger, sadness, shame, or a cocktail of many things, we must acknowledge we are in pain. If someone else is involved, which is likely the case, we must acknowledge their role.
The 2nd step: Creating Space
After acknowledging what is there, we must find a spaciousness within ourselves. We must come into presence, to find a place within ourselves where we can notice our thoughts and emotions without merging with them, or attaching to them.
The 3rd Step: Allowing
This is a simple step, yet it can be incredibly difficult. We must allow the feelings that are there to be truly felt. We must embrace them. The anger, the rage, the grief, it must be allowed in. We do so from this place of spaciousness. We let all the feelings be held in the space of our awareness.
The 4th Step: Coming Back Home
At times, we will lose touch with our awareness and get completely merged with the emotions. Instead of being aware of the anger, we become consumed by the anger. This is normal, and at this point, when you become aware of this, you bring yourself back into presence. You bring the emotion back into the spacious awareness.
The 5th step: Expressing
From this place of spacious awareness, expression can come forth. You may have a flood of tears, you may have a wave of rage that needs to be let out, whatever it is, you allow it to be expressed. You may want to journal what you’re feeling, write a poem, or express yourself in some other way. It is important to not downplay, minimize or doubt your feelings. Your feelings and emotions are a sacred part of you, treating them as such will support this process.
*Sometimes no visceral expression is required, you simply allow it to be held in a loving space and surrender it, allowing it to dissolve as it’s finally given space to be there.
These 5 steps flow together. You may be in step 5 and then go back to step 1 to continue the process again and again. This is a process that may need to be done many times for one area of your life, and that is a beautiful thing.
Giving yourself the grace of forgiveness
As humans, we are bound to deal with pain and suffering. We’ve all been hurt, traumatized, or let down by others in some ways. We all have deep and complex emotions within us that express themselves in different ways and are tied to this pain we hold.
We all can benefit from turning towards this pain. So many of us have been taught in today’s world to ignore, to repress, or to reject our difficult emotions. Doing so only causes more suffering, because that pain lives within you and will act out unconsciously if it’s not dealt with. The fear of feeling your pain is diminished over time as you do so more and more. For you recognize that they are just that: feelings. They are not demons, or monsters that will eat you alive. They are your sacred emotions that are here to teach you. Turn towards them, embrace them, invite them into the home of your Heart and allow them to show you the way. To show you the way back to love and compassion.
If you are holding pain that has been trapped deep within you, I pray you find the courage to begin to let it out. To let it be seen and felt and held. I pray that you find the grace that comes with beginning to forgive. Forgiving is forgoing the right to punish another, and in doing so, you choose love for yourself and everyone else.
As we close, I invite you to sit with this question:
Where in your life are you ready to allow the grace that comes with forgiving?
Know that wherever you are in your process is exactly where you’re meant to be. Know that you are loved and supported. Know that you are not alone.